The Final Push

Many might be wondering how I’m feeling about our move now that we are so close.  Well, I can say this for sure, I’m at peace with it and ready for the actual move to happen.  However, there are days when the reality hits me like a two ton brick and all the emotions come rushing back.  Everyone I tell where we are moving to says I’m so very lucky and they are SOOOOO jealous of me.  I wish I felt that way….. At this point the sadness about moving has so much less to do with where we are headed but with what we are leaving behind.  It’s all that I have to give up for this move.  I’m sort of done trying to explain away my grief and instead I just nod and agree but deep down are the pangs of that grief.  What exactly am I grieving?

For staters, the city itself.  I feel at home here.  We like this crazy city with all it’s festivals, parades and drive through daiquiri stands.  This city was my grandfather’s home and I feel connected to that and I want my children to feel that connection, too.

Friends!!!!!!  I have made the most wonderful of friends.  It’s hard to hear them make plans for the future, a future I won’t be a part of.  Some, I have no idea when I will ever see them again.  They are family and it is heartbreaking to leave them.

We are selling my car.  It was mine….. I kept it slightly messy and always had a bottle of water rolling around.  It had  half marathon stickers and Stroller Warriors to show my achievements.  My husband likes his jeep neat at all times and free from stickers.  That is going to be a challenge for me but I’m still keep my water.

It’s Christmas time and my house feels like the it does every other day of the year.  A mess, with kids toys and shoes and dirty dishes and laundry that needs to be folded.  There is no tree or lights or nativity scene.  Can’t hang stockings or our count down calendar.  No, not this year and it makes me feel all scroogie and I want to say “Bahumbug!” 

Leaving a volunteer position I love and not having one to step into.  For the first time I know how spouses feel when they have to move and leave their careers and hope they can start back up when they are at their new home.

Leaving my family with the first visit a year away.  Coming to New Orleans we had at least two or three in the works for our first year and we hadn’t even gotten here yet.  That is a sad reality to face.

And finally… Knowing that we have a deployment to get through in a new home.  Our boys haven’t been without their dad for more than a week or so in almost four years.  In those four years the boys have changed so much and I don’t think they remember it being just the three of us.  We’ll survive it that’s a fact but I’m still scared.

So, at peace because there isn’t time to deny or fight what is happening.  But, the grief won’t truly subside until we are completely moved and life has resumed to the every day mundane routine.  I’m trying to set goals and make plans for our new home but it is hard to leave this life.  So very, very hard.

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3 Responses to The Final Push

  1. mwrnaplesitaly says:

    Thanks Kate so much for writing, I can relate so much to what you are feeling. Please know that your ability to share really helps others know they are not alone. God bless!

  2. I found your blog today through Wife of A Sailors MilSpouse Friday Fill-In and so glad I did. We are in the process of preparing for an overseas move, and while reading this post…I felt like you were writing exactly my thoughts. (Minus the whole kids thing…I think my cat could care less that ‘dad’ will be away!)

    Good luck with everything and I hope you find a way to make your Christmas merry!

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